


If We Catch a Criminal

by louissass



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bottom Louis, Car Sex, Handcuffs, Life goals, M/M, Policeman AU, Smut, Top Harry, and louis is a theif, harry is a copper, louis in a trench coat, they have sex on an austin healey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-28
Updated: 2014-10-28
Packaged: 2018-02-23 01:26:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2528909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louissass/pseuds/louissass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>“Hey, is that a baton in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” Louis giggles, grinding against PC Harry’s cock.</em>
</p>
<p>or, the one where Harry is a policeman and Louis will do just about anything to avoid going to jail.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If We Catch a Criminal

**Author's Note:**

> based off of [this](http://millionairelouis.tumblr.com/post/101192433635/gustyles-is-louis-filming-a-porno-or) lovely picture set
> 
> I think the rest sort of speaks for itself...
> 
> My tumblr is [millionairelouis](http://millionairelouis.tumblr.com) come hit me up!
> 
> Enjoy xo

It’s a quiet evening. The birds have long gone to rest for the night, no drunk women in short revealing dresses litter the streets anymore. It’s four in the morning and the only sound through the streets of London is the roar of a 1965 Austin Healey 3000 tearing down the streets at eighty-nine miles an hour.

Louis is having the time of his life. He looks over to the passenger seat, just checking his bag of cash is still there – it is. His slicked back hair blows in the wind as he throws his head back and lets out an almighty howl as he tears down the streets. This mighty fine classic car was acquired (ahem, stolen) a few nights ago, and honestly Louis has no idea why he didn’t think to get (again, steal) one before, it’s literally the sweetest motor he’s ever seen. Drives like a dream, makes the most beautiful noises, and if Louis does say so himself, he rather likes it when pretty noises come from those he’s riding.

As he passes yet another flickering street lamp, Louis makes the snap decision to turn down a dodgy, dim lit alley, so he can count his millions. He knows he should be getting as far away from the hotel as possible, preferably to his crew, but this opportunity is too good to miss. Counting his cash in a Healey, you don’t get opportunities like this every day, even in Louis’ line of work. Besides, he reckons he’s still got roughly six hours before Mr Moores even knows it’s missing.

So he parks the car halfway down the alley, a brick wall either side of him and with no light from the city or the sky, Louis is glad he has a torch in his pocket. He counts the bundles, quickly at first, just to check he’s got all three mill, then slower, making sure the bundles are full of real notes and not just paper. Well, he knows the tricks, it’d be embarrassing if he got caught by them, Zayn and Niall’d probably throw him out the crew, he knows they’ve been eyeing up that small time grifter they bumped into in Trafalgar.

It’s starting to get chilly, a sort of bitter wind, so Louis grabs his beige trench coat from the back seat and shrugs it on extremely gracefully. A torch flashes, as if someone is making their way towards him, and Louis panics, hoping it’s not a copper, but he doesn’t have time to hide the bag, so he just zips it up and patiently waits for the stranger to walk past.

“Everything alright there, sir?” It’s a copper, of course it is. He’s got brown curly hair shoved under a police cap, one hand in the belt loop of his trousers – next to his baton – and the other gripping the torch tightly, shining it in Louis’ face. Louis winces away from the light and forces himself not to look in to the policeman’s eyes. For a conman, he’s not very good at lying to a pretty face.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, yeah everything’s fine, officer, thank you,” he says nervously. Louis’ fingers twitch on his lap, itching towards the steering wheel. It’d be absolutely awful if he got nicked, Zayn and Niall would throw him out for sure.

The police officer frowns, one of those cute kitten frowns, and gazes over Louis’ car, but makes no sign of moving. “Nice set of wheels you got here,”

Louis’ heart beats loudly in his ears.

“Thank you,” he squeaks, he’s caught for sure, “I’m a sucker for a vintage motor,”

“What’re you doing driving it at this hour? This is a pretty rough estate, if you aren’t careful it’ll get keyed,” The copper says, Louis gulps, “Or worse, _nicked_ ,”

_He knows he knows he knows._

Louis forces himself to laugh, “Good point, officer. I’ll just be moving along now, good night.”

He reaches for the ignition, but the policeman’s stern voice stops him abruptly.

“Wait,” he says, Louis’ hands fall back to his lap. “Can I see your licence please, sir?”

“So polite,” he mutters fondly, reaching into the glove compartment for the counterfeit DVLA documents. The police officer snatches them with a scowl and calls on his radio.

“Control this is officer 188DF987 over,” he mutters into the radio.

“Hazza, mate! Thank god, I was getting so bored over here,” the crackly voice comes from the radio. Louis sniggers, PC Hazza, has a nice ring to it. “Over,”

“Liam,” PC Hazza whines into his lapel, “I’m with someone, don’t embarrass me, over,”

“Shit sorry Harry – I mean, PC Styles, over,” Liam says.

Harry rolls his eyes sort of fondly, so Louis reasons they must be friends. Perfect. “Anyway I’m away from my car so I can’t get the records up, need you to run a drivers licence for me, over,”

“Sure, what’s the number?” Liam asks and Harry relays it off for him. Louis seriously hopes he gave the copper the right counterfeit papers, seeing as the ones Zayn used yesterday are in here as well, and they were registered all the way up in Birmingham. That would be difficult to explain.

“Well, looks like you check out, Mr…Tomlinson,” Harry says with a bright smile, and hands the papers back. Shit shit shit, that’s his real life _actual_ drivers licence. “If you’d be so kind as to step out of the car,”

Hesitantly, Louis opens the car door as Harry steps back, eyeing him warily. He doesn’t know what’s going on, Louis hates not knowing. Something snaps against his wrist as he goes to get out the car and Louis sighs loudly when he looks down to see a metal handcuff tight around his wrist.

“What’s all this?” he asks.

“Get out of the car, please,” Harry says, ever so sweetly, you’d think he wasn’t about to convict Louis.

“Now now, PC Harry, if you wanna suck my cock, you don’t have to be coy about it,” Louis says, his last line of defence is crude comments and sarcasm. Usually it gets him out of sticky situations, let’s hope it pays off this time around.

Harry very clearly blushes, Louis can tell that much, but rolls his eyes and tugs sharply on the handcuffs, “Get out of the car, Mr Tomlinson,”

“Babe if you want something to scream when you come, my name’s Louis,” He replies with a wink. Harry tugs the handcuffs again and uses Louis’ moment of weakness to pull him out of the car. Louis struggles as much as he can, twisting out of the copper’s grip when he tries to clip the other handcuff over his wrist and Harry ends up slamming him against the bonnet of the car in an effort to still him, “Oi watch my car!”

“It’s not your car though, is it, Mr Tomlinson?” Harry says smugly. Louis’ pretty sure he should be reading his rights right about now, but with PC  Harry’s cock pressed against his bum so firmly, he’s not sure he cares all that much. “This Healey was stolen earlier this week, and I’ll bet you a whole lot that that suspicious looking black bag in your front seat is filled with money,”

“Wait so I’m being arrested for being loaded? That’s hardly fair!” Louis says, twisting his wrist so it falls out of Harry’s grip yet again.

“No, you’re being arrested for being a thief,”

Louis smirks, “A _sexy_ thief, though,”

“Louis,” Harry groans in dismay.

“That’s the spirit officer,” he grins, wiggling his bum on Harry’s cock. It’s starting to perk up in interest, Louis figures it’s going to be an interesting night. PC Harry finally manages to get the other handcuff over Louis’ wrist, who whistles and smirks tightly. “Into the kinky stuff, are we? It’s okay baby, I go for whatever,”

Harry doesn’t say anything for a while, and when Louis tries to look back at him, a firm hand is pushed in between his shoulder blades, effectively pinning him to the car. Little Louis rather likes it. “Louis Tomlinson I am arresting you on suspicion of theft, you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence–”

“Come on baby, don’t be like that, we can work this out,” Louis whines, pushing back further onto PC Harry’s cock. Harry is quite obviously flustered by his movements and has to clear his throat noisily and shift his hips slightly so his erection is pushed between Louis’ cheeks.

“But it may harm your defence if you fail to mention when questioned something which you later rely on–”

“Hey, is that a baton in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” Louis giggles, grinding against PC Harry’s cock.

“Something which you later rely on in court. Anything you say may be given as evidence,” Harry finishes with an uneasy sigh. God, Louis wishes he could see Harry’s face right now, probably all flushed pink from embarrassment and arousal, pupils probably blown wide, he reckons Harry is a lip biter too – bets they’re bitten raw by now.

“If I say I want you to fuck me, hard, right now over this car, will that be given as evidence?” He asks cheekily, being shoved down against the bonnet after trying to get a glimpse of Harry’s face. Louis can slowly feel PC Harry’s restraint getting weaker and weaker as he tempts him with his sinful body (if he does say so himself).

Louis can be quite a cock tease when he wants to be, more often than not it’s why his boyfriends leave him, because he spends too much time on the foreplay and not enough on the actual sex, but he loves it. He loves dicks and he loves making them hard with just his words and the smallest of friction, it’s sort of his super power. So with that in mind, it surprises Louis it takes the copper as long as it does to literally say _fuck it_ and undo his belt. He’s not all that bothered when two barely slick fingers enter him simultaneously, however.

“Careful,” he squeaks, jerking away when Harry starts thrusting his fingers in straight away, it sort of burns, but it’s also sort of pleasurable. “That’s a prized bum right there,”

Harry smacks him, hard. Louis’ sure to have a red hand print on his bum tomorrow, he’s not sure how to feel about that. “Thought you wanted me to fuck you hard?”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t want you to use lube,” He mutters with a roll of his eyes. “Don’t fret officer, there’s some in the glove compartment.”

Harry doesn’t even question why, just leans over the _entire_ car bonnet and fishes the lube out of the glove compartment. Damn, he has really nice biceps.

Louis sighs when PC Harry’s fingers are more slick when he enters him this time, and glide more smoothly through his already slightly stretched out hole. The thing with Harry, Louis finds out, is that he too seems to be a cock tease, and focuses very hard on not getting anywhere near Louis’ prostate the entire time. When he does eventually find it – Louis keens so hard and almost comes all over his car – he intentionally ignores it until he decides Louis is sufficiently opened up and pulls his fingers out completely.

He waits patiently for Harry to put his fingers back in – or even his cock – but when neither come, Louis frowns and successfully twists his upper body to look at Harry’s face, frowning and contemplative. “Harry?”

Harry snaps his head up to Louis in shock, before biting down on his lip (he _knew_ it). “This is not right, we shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Come on, officer, live a little,” Louis whines, impatient now that he’s horny and no dicking has been done, “Look, you’re about to come your conkers so you’ll get relief, and I’ll get to cross banging a copper off my bucket list, everybody wins,”

“I don’t see how I win, considering you made me hard in the first place,” Harry frowns, grip tightening on Louis’ cuffed wrists.

“Oops,” he shrugs haphazardly, “Didn’t think you’d work that out. Please?”

Harry doesn’t budge.

“Please? I’ll beg you,” Louis warns, knowing he can be an annoying little shit when he begs for something, “PC Harry please fuck me, fuck me with your big leaking cock, fill me up good and proper, so I go into my cell with a limp and a smug grin on my face and everyone’ll be like _what happened_ and I’ll say _PC Harry did_.”

“Shut up,” Harry groans, rubbing his (apparently naked) erection around Louis’ crack.

“Not until you fuck me like you mean it,” Louis grins triumphantly, “Not until you fill me up with you big, fat– _oh_ ,”

He pushes in hard and fast, and Jesus Christ, is he fucking big. Louis is slightly worried he’s actually going to rip open, Harry’s so big. Once he’s in, Louis falls against the car with a sigh, resting his forehead against the cool metal and just lets Harry thrust in and out of him in quick procession. Every time Harry pulls out, he pulls the handcuffs, leaving a sharp but sweet pain tingling all down Louis arms, and every time he pushes in, Harry pushes Louis’ body further on to the bonnet of the car, creating a dull ache in his chest.

It’s good. Well, it’s the best fuck Louis has had since he was eighteen and spent forty eight hours in a cabin on the Isle of White, doing nothing but get fucked. But that’s another story.

Harry is amazing in bed – or, really, on car – and Louis sort of wants to keep him forever.

It’s clear that Harry doesn’t whole heartedly agree with this as he groans out an undignified “ _close_ ” not five minutes in. He goes faster and harder, chasing his orgasm, and it causes Louis’ dick to rock against the smooth bonnet of the car. He’s getting close as well, but all he’s capable of doing is breathing shallowly and letting himself get fucked.

When they come, it’s almost in unison, Louis letting go just as Harry finishes up spilling inside him. The officer collapses on top of him, panting wildly, body going limp, and it’s really uncomfortable, but Louis doesn’t have the energy to tell him to move, so he lets them lie there, sweaty, worn out and covered in come.

He’s about to fall asleep, when PC Harry whispers, “Better get you to the station,” and kisses him on the cheek.

Louis scoffs, “Harry, how amazing was that fuck?”

“The most amazing,” Harry says cautiously, Louis can feel his caution as he pulls himself upright and zips up his trousers, before pulling up Louis’ suit trousers as well. Quite considerate, to be honest, Louis probably would’ve left them round his ankles, if it were him.

“You do know that if I go to prison, it can’t happen again,” Louis says, “Because I’ll be in prison,”

And honestly, Louis has no idea how he gets away with it, how he manages to convince an enforcer of the law to let him go, but he does, and minutes later the handcuffs are off, his wrists are sore and red from all the pulling, and he’s facing harry with an earnest smile.

“Thanks,” he says, “For letting me off,”

“Yeah yeah, here’s my number,” Harry grumbles, reluctantly (though probably not) writing it on the back of Louis’ hands. He kisses the red marks on Louis’ wrists softly, before pulling away entirely. “Leave the car and the money with me, I’ll say they were abandoned,”

“I paid good money for that car!” Louis protests weakly, by the raised eyebrow Harry gives him, they both know that isn’t true.

“Call me,” PC Harry says, and gives Louis a kiss on the cheek, watching him walk away.

It’s light out now, the sun starting to rise, the birds cheeping, cars bustling on the road again, London comes back to life. Louis yawns and shoves his hands in his pockets, trying to hide his limp as he waddles towards the bus stop. An old man and a businessman sit by his side, he’s sure they can both smell the drying come on him, and that makes him feel even more smug.

Louis pulls out his phone and texts Zayn and Niall.

_Lost the car and the money_ , he texts, _but on the bright side, I banged a copper._

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's short, but I got inspired...
> 
> Anyway, just as an FYI, I won't be posting the halloween fic i had, but I will be posting chapter 2 of hatoml in the next week or so. Stay tuned for that, I know it's been long, I hope you aren't disappointed.
> 
> Please leave kudos//comment//don't hurt me//think about louis in a trench coat//cry to me about louis in a trench coat xox


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